What movies are on your crappy on-demand this week? #3

top1This week on my crappy on-demand service, my stupid cable company is offering some old movies and some obscure stupid ones too.  There’s a sparse amount of choices this week and a couple I’ve never heard of.  I think whatever library my crappy cable company has is pretty deep if they have movies dating back to the 30s and 40s, but maybe they’re supplied by TCM or AMC.  Either way, my offerings are pretty slim this week:

1.  The Magic Sword (1962) – I’ve been wanting to see this movie for a while, and here it is on my crappy on-demand service.  Basil Rathbone gets top-billing here, and he does his worst work ever as the evil wizard, Lodac.  This is a very dull movie, with lots of bad performances.  Most of the visuals and sound-effects are crap, and one of the supporting characters is a monkey and a two-headed man.  It is so dumb that it has been panned on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and others.  It has a comedy musical soundtrack for some reason, but it is only funny because of how bad it is.

2.  The Count of Monte Cristo (1934) – This is a fairly good movie, but it is dull.  Sometimes I think I’m too nice to old movies, just because they’ve been around and someone says they’re good.  This one is an exception though. Honestly, I don’t think there’s ever been a version of this boring story I’ve liked, but this one is as good as it gets.  It stars Robert Donat, the guy who made his career starring in The 39 Steps, directed by Hitchcock.  

top33.  Serpico (1973) – Al Pacino won an Oscar for his role in this movie, and I can see why.  He owns the screen and he’s in every scene, as he battles corruption on the police force.  His plight does wear on you after a while, and at one point, I was hoping he’d just quit the force and stop putting himself through so much crap.  But the other part of me wanted to see him stick it to these crooks, which does, even after getting shot in the face.  The following year he starred in The Godfather part II, which is a way better movie and his career performance.

4.  Park Row (1952) – This is movie about a man down-on-his-luck, trying to make it in the world of journalism, and it’s a stupid concept I don’t think I’ve ever liked.  I take that back, I liked the original Spider-Man even though it had lighthearted journalism, but this movie goes way, way overboard with the silly get-rich-quick schemes, romantic sub-plots, and stupid political games.  I turned it off and didn’t finish it.

5.  Odd Man Out (1947) – This is an amazing James Mason movie that had me surprised with the drama. The ending sucks though.   The movie is really talkative and slow, but there are some driving scenes and fights to break it up.  The ending had me puzzled.  James Mason evades police for the whole movie, and makes his getaway on-board a boat out of town, but his stupid girlfriend follows him, then starts shooting back at the police.  They gun everybody down.  THE END.  Isn’t that a good movie?  I was like, what?

6.  Top Gun (1986) – This is the quintessential 80s movie.  It is generic and filled with action stereotypes.  Tom Cruise plays the action hero stereotype, and Nicole Kidman plays the tough-girl stereotypical.  They get together in a stereotypical way.  I like this movie for the planes, the action, and because Ice Man is hilarious.  There’s also a quick few minutes of a custom 1956 Porsche 356, which is awesome.

7.  Friends with Benefits (2011) – I hate even thinking about this movie.  This is movie shooting for the lowest common denominator.  While it was running in theatres, most critics could agree that it added absolutely nothing to the romantic comedy genre.  The dialogue is good, but I guess I’d rather shovel snow or paint my garage than watch this stupid movie.  It is the king of all generic movies.  All hail the generic waste of time.