My crappy on-demand #4 – But I don’t want to be a hitman…
This week on my crappy on-demand, we have a couple of 1950s cult classics, or terrible movies, in other words. In probably the most well-known of these horrible classics, a man tries to back out of a hired hit for a guy he didn’t like, but somebody else tries to kill the guy anyway. It’d be hilarious if it wasn’t so serious. In other news, I was happy to see Raymond Burr aka Perry Mason in a movie I had never heard of before, but that’s my crappy on-demand for ya. Have you seen the black-and-white Perry Mason TV show? Way more entertaining than these flicks:
1. Paid to Kill (1954) – This movie is pretty terrible, with awkward comedy thrown at the wrong time. It stars nobody I recognize, probably because it was a second feature behind a much better crime noir movie. It is however one of Hammer’s rare productions right before they jumped into the horror film industry full-force. I’m glad they did, because this movie needs technicolor, a better pace, and some thrills.
2. The Blue Gardenia (1953) – This movie is slightly higher on the ladder of success, but not by much. Richard Conte and Raymond Burr are slipped in there as minor characters, and George Reeves aka Superman makes a surprise appearance too. Warner Brothers even hired Nat King Cole to sing the title song. Although I hate the title, it’s a halfway decent film, but really short. It was meant to be one of three similar movies, but it’s way too boring for me to watch two more of the same.
3. Heat Wave (1954) – This is a terrible, terrible movie. It’s only around 60 minutes long and was used as a warm up during a double-feature. I’m thinking people were inspired to buy popcorn or candy because of this crapfest. This is another of Hammer’s attempts at crime noir, and stars Hiliary Brooke, who is only notable because she was in some Sherlock Holmes films with Basil Rathbone. PASS.
4. Men in Black 3 (2012) – I really hate this film, although it is probably better than I give it credit for. But not today! This one is crap on a stick and I’m saying so. Let’s get something straight, the original Men in Black is a fun movie, and I could take or leave the second one, to be honest. By the time they got around to the third, all Will Smith’s antics are choreographed, and I don’t need to know Agent K’s backstory. The only thing I liked was the ending, which was well-done. Other than that, it’s a rerun.
5. Night of the Demon (1957) – Leonard Maltin gave this film 3 1/2 stars out of 4 and I was wondering what he was smoking. I will admit it is interesting, but I only liked the last ten to fifteen minutes. It has an absurd premise, but the ending is incredible. A man chases a silly bit of paper down some train tracks, and risks his life to catch this piece of demonic parchment. The paper can be seen being tugged along by a wire, and comes to life throughout the movie. Kinda simple, but amusing. Although the guy dodges the oncoming train, a huge demon emerges from the smoke and pulls his arms off. The end. Don’t mess with the Devil’s notebook, I guess.