Top 10 Stupidiest Movie Cliffhangers

There are stupid cliffhangers to set up a sequel, then there’s stupid endings that make no sense whatsoever.  Yeah, thanks Tim Burton.  How about a list of Tim Burton movies that make no sense?  Yeah, thanks Tim Burton.  Do these movie cliffhangers make any sense?

10.  The Italian Job – This movie ending sneaks onto this list because of it’s frustrating nature, not necessarily because it’s bad.  It’s actually kinda humorous, ending with a literal cliffhanger, as the robber’s van hangs over the edge of a very tall mountain with their loot teetering at one end and the snarky robbers on the other.  Michael Caine assesses the situation and tells everybody he has an idea to save the loot.  The end.  What?? Hey, what’s the idea?  Did they plunge over the cliff?  Did they save the loot?  Did anybody go home happy?  I guess it doesn’t pay to be a robber, or a viewer of this movie.

halloween29.  Halloween 5 – Okay, so you can include a lot of dumb horror movies on a list of stupid endings, but one has a stupid ending and a cliffhanger and a dumb mystery and I hate it.  I just hate everything about this movie, even Michael’s mask.  At the end, some stranger kills everybody and frees Michael, leaving his cell empty.  The end.  So what happened next?  And how did he do all that?  And why?  I don’t get it.  I’ll never get it.  What’s the point of this ending?  To set up a sequel?  Why?  Can’t we actually have a conclusion in a movie?

8.  The Thing – After Kurt Russell becomes badass, he rests his weary bones outside the polar base he’s just blown up.  He discovers that somebody else has also survived but Kurt is just too worn out to even react.  I think that’s what he was going for.  The guy’s obviously a possessed monster alien thing, right?  You can’t trust him, Kurt! Kill him, Kurt!  Or lay there, either way.  Oh well.  Roll credits.

7.  Unbreakable – M. Night Shyamalan made a good movie and this is it.  I know, it’s amazing to me too.  Bruce Willis spends the whole movie as a reluctant hero and ends the movie as a reluctant hero.  Toward the end, he basically kills a guy and brags to his son about it, and that’s his claim to fame for heroics.  I don’t get it.  Yeah, the guy was evil, so I guess it’s okay to kill him.  Anyway, Mr. Glass reveals he setup Bruce’s train crash, because he’s been wanting to be his archnemesis.  Yeah, too bad he’s committed for life.  You thought Bruce was gonna be a superhero for good?  Nope, Mr. Glass goes bye bye and that’s it.  The end.

shining146.  The Shining – Okay, Unbreakable might just be annoying, but The Shining’s ending takes it to a whole other level. The picture at the end shows Jack in the past, which I don’t get.  He’s always been the caretaker then, I guess?  How does that work?   I think the bartender had the same idea, since he seems to know Jack.  But if Jack’s always been the caretaker, who is Grady?  Are they the same guy?  Maybe it’s a reincarnation thing or maybe Jack is living past lives.  Either way, I don’t get it.

5.  28 Weeks Later – The movie I love to hate has to make this list.  They can’t just give everybody a happy ending, no they have to muck it up and deliver a stupid cliffhanger about the plaque spreading to France.  How did that even happen?  I guess maybe it was the little kid’s fault, since  he’s immune AND a carrier.  I don’t think we’ll ever find out, because there’s no 28 Months Later on the horizon.

4.  Amazing Spider-Man 2 – This dumb movie is here to represent all the stupid superhero movie endings that setup equally stupid sequels.  This one is the worst offender.  We get plenty of unresolved stupid stuff like in Halloween 5 and there’s even a Stranger like in Halloween 5 too.  This time, he wears a hat, so I guess that makes him cool.  This is the millennial generation’s Spider-Man movie and I really hate it.  I  hate the first one too.  It reeks of wanting to do everything better than the Tobey McQuire movies, and the ending to Amazing Spider-Man 2 is no exception.  

pro43.  Prometheus – This movie has a cliffhanger that seems to promise more to come and does so with a philosophical tone, which makes it come off better than stupid superhero movies, but it’s also way more frustrating because it sounds meaningful.  After that, I really want to know what happened to Elizabeth.  I really do.  What happened to David?  Until there’s another Alien movie, that’s just a dumb tease and ruins the movie for me, sorry.

2.  Jack Reacher: Never Go to This Movie (2016) – This Jack Reacher sequel is not bad as in Halloween 5 bad, but it’s got an ending done in really poor taste.  So there’s this female character and she appears throughout all of the movie, trying to make us think Tom Cruise is the father of her baby.  But is he really?  Is he?  Nope, sorry, cop out time.  Cruise is not the baby’s father, after all.  Whew.  That was almost a responsible ending couched in morality and we wouldn’t want that.  Cruise just goes on his next adventure.  The end.

  1.  Planet of the Apes (2001) – Okay, take stupidity and multiply it by 100 and you get this movie’s ending.  Marky Mark crash lands in the future or something and Earth is taken over by apes….somehow.  He actually looks as dumbfounded as the audience.  Nobody does stupidiness like Tim Burton, let me tell you, but he later tried to pass it off on the studio, claiming that this was the setup for a sequel.  Yeah, right.  It’s obviously an attempt to outdo the original’s twist ending, which doesn’t work.  At all.  It doesn’t even make a lick of sense.  
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