Why is Rings (2017) a Matilda Lutz fanfilm?

I started watching a horror movie and a teen drama broke out. I was like, what? What’s this? Why are there hot college girls in tight clothing in this movie? Why does that guy have an emo fohawk? I checked to make sure Michael Bay wasn’t involved.  I’m confused by this movie.

The usual teen problems crop up. Matilda Lutz plays this college-aged girl with an obsession for Holt, the guy with a stupid early 2000s name meant to impress the Millennials. Much like Transformers (why), Holt goes to college and leaves behind his super-hot girlfriend, but she gets worried and goes off to find him. She drives a station-wagon up to the college and learns about The Ring video thing.  

Johnny Galecki plays a professor researching The Ring video thing for philosophical deepness but finds out it’s only a simple cursed video that kills people. Big surprise. He gives the Teens in Luv ™ his Book of Continuity ™ to discover why the tape has evolved and is now showing new images to confuse the Teens in Luv.

The Teens in Luv ™ discover that Samara has moved to upstate New York, so they take the station wagon to find her. They meet the Man of Continuity ™ played by the bland Vincent D’Onofrio, who explains why Samara is camping out with no hot dogs.  She’s upset naturally, and trying to draw in new campers.  Despite this warning, the Teens in Luv still think they have to dig up Samara for some odd reason, and the Man of Continuity asks them why, but they have no answer. They just want to because they had a vision. Okay? Convenient?

Every scene except the first 10 minutes is filled with Matilda Lutz. Close ups of Matilda. Matilda in a tank top. Steady shots of Matilda thinking.  Matilda in skinny jeans. Her boyfriend looking at Matilda longingly. Matilda in bed, in a car, staring at TV, with a monologue, and even in the shower (of course). Geezus, this director was more obsessed with Matilda Lutz than Samara was. Why? I don’t get it.

This movie is directed by F. Javier Gutierrez, who brings nothing new to the cinematography of Ring movies, except for the first 10 minutes with Johnny, which is awesome. After that, the camera centers on Matilda for over an hour and tries to remind us that she’s gorgeous. Great job. Here’s an 80 million box office. Congrats.

Overall, I didn’t hate this movie but it sure is annoying in places. The twist was interesting, but the one thing I didn’t understand was why the heroic Teens in Luv kept wanting to help Samara after learning that she’s pretty much the most evil force in the Universe and kills people. I’m actually not sure which is worse, Ring 2 or this movie, but at least Ring 2 had Naomi Watts, despite being a really really bad movie. Most of all, I miss the dread featured in the highly successful 2002 Gore Verbinski original. This one is a careful film study, where students can learn the fine art of keeping the shot trained on a hot girl. Still, it’s okay I guess if you can get over these things.  On another note, Paramount learned from this movie and cancelled Friday the 13th.

 

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